The Sky Is Falling

Hey, all you Facebook weather reporters out there, have you always been this boring?

Clarity

A decade is a period of ten years. The word is derived from the late Latin decas. Since there is no year 0, I'm going ahead with the idea that a decade goes from year 1 to year 10. Therefore, 2009 is not the end of the first decade of the 21st century. The decade ends on December 31st, 2010. I know ordinal references are not commonly applied to decades (as they are to centuries), but believe it's the more accurate practice. I hope this helps.

Mixed Nuts

I'm very confused by people who post quasi 911 alarms on Facebook about how sad, upset or even depressed they feel, then go on to play 4 hours of FarmVille or Mafia Wars.

Have A Little Class

If you have to lick your fingers to separate whatever you're trying to hand me, I don't want it.

Your Plans? That's Funny

Hold on loosely to your agenda, unless you’re actually into disappointment and frustration.

I Don't Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

If you want to quit smoking, you can take Chantix. Here is part of the actual warning: "Serious neuropsychiatric events, including, but not limited to depression, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt and completed suicide have been reported in patients taking CHANTIX." Suicide is not a side effect. It's the main effect.

That Can't Be Right

Sex is a dirty, sinful, disgusting activity that you should save for someone you love.

Are You Really Sorry?

A half hour late once in awhile is a matter of circumstance. Five minutes late all the time is a matter of contempt.

Sometimes, It Is About You

When given a choice between two equally unappealing options (the classic dilemma), choose the one that has the most potential for humor.

Infinite Sorrow

Some salespeople are like vultures. They can't kill anything, and some days, nothing will die.

The End Is Nigh

'Unfriend' is New Oxford dictionary's Word of the Year for 2009. Can we just go ahead and admit that western civilization is a failed experiment?

The Horse & The Cart

I've heard people say, "I won't be happy until I lose weight." I say to them, "You won't lose weight until you're happy."

Pay Attention

If you repeat the thing I just told you I didn’t understand, guess what, I’m still not going to understand it.

Ecophagy

It's not just science fiction anymore.

Work It Out

If you're not sweating and panting when you're done, you're not doing it right. I mean exercise, of course. What were you thinking about?

Moving On Up

Forget tolerance, embrace acceptance.

Perspective

Turn that frown upside down. For those of you smiling, well done. For those of you doing a handstand while still frowning, you got me on a technicality, but there may be no hope for you.

Enough Already

I can think of several things that are far greater and infinitely more exciting than the advent of sliced bread.

What Goes On Over There?

We have once again come to the day where people gather to express gratitude for the bounty in their lives. You call it Thanksgiving. My family calls it Thursday Night SmackDown. Enjoy.

It's True, Really It Is

I can not teach what I can not do, or have not done.

What The What?

I'm the center of my own attention, but, then again, so am I.

Water Weight

There is a male contestant on this season's Biggest Loser who weighs less than I do. This is a problem.

Biology

If Darius Rucker and Chad Kroeger moved to Texas and had a love child, it would sound like Mac Powell.

Surprise, Surprise

"The best thing about a well executed surprise party is realizing how expertly your friends and family members lie to you." FJA

Trick Question

"If you're happy and you know it..." Is there anyone out there who is happy but doesn't know it?

Genuinely Insincere

That's right, ladies. I got all this without steroids.

What Is It Good For?

I hate war and all that goes with it, but I love the warrior.

Superfluous

Hey, PIN is an acronym for Personal Identification Number. Therefore, saying PIN number is redundant. Please stop it.

I Love Mondays

For a lazy Chocolate Jedi, I sure do work a lot.

Indeed

A friend in need, is a pain in the ass.

Bitter Sweet

The only voice I ever heard that could sound tragic while singing a happy song is Nina Simone.

I Can't Get Enough Of Your Love

I am a servant to my neighbor's cat. How did this happen? Who am I kidding? I love that beautiful, little fur ball. And, she loves me. I'm certain of it.

Let Me Clear My Throat

When a building is on fire, more people die of exposure to smoke than to flames. Sometimes when people have been in small spaces with a car running, the smoke from the exhaust has killed them. Voluntarily inhaling smoke through cigarettes is really stupid.

Come On

You ever make up stories about strangers? You know, you see someone or a couple of people and you make up a little vignette about their lives? Maybe it's dramatic, maybe it's sad, maybe it's treacherous? No? Me neither.

Don't Wake Me, I'm Dreaming

Ah, Halloween. The one day every year when so many people look freakier than a Chocolate Jedi. Unless you live in New York City. Then, it's just Saturday.

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby

Remember when you used to spin around for no particular reason? Do it again this weekend. [Disclaimer: Chocolate Yoda is not responsible for injuries sustained by anyone over 5 years old.]

I Can See Your House From Here

Today, I will do as Isaac Newton suggested and stand on the shoulders of giants. How about you?

You're Right To Party

No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn.

What Does That Mean?

I will not dumb down my vocabulary to accommodate the limits of yours.

Oh, Yeah

Life is like a big bowl of pasta, delicious and fattening.

Funny, Ha Ha

Not everything is funny, though everything is potentially funny.

The Name Game

Grape and Grapefruit. This is unnecessarily complicated.

Anatomy

What exactly do you have to do to yourself to get sore eyes?

Not Possible

If you are one of those people who says, "Same sh*t, different day.", you are not paying attention.

Stunning, Isn't It?

I don't know much about what I like, but I know what art is.

Really?

Please stop comparing everything to ninjas. Have you ever even met a
ninja? I thought not.

Sad, But True

Stupid really is as stupid does.

One In A Hundred-Billion-Trillion

If you want to determine if someone is truly unique, you just have to determine if there has been anyone similar before or after that person. That's how I know we are all unique. There has never been anyone like you. There is no one exactly like you now (even if you're a twin). There will never be anyone like you again. Make the most of you.

Do You Believe In Magic?

Studies show that multitasking is a myth. That's right, it's a modern
day construct that only exists in our egos. I hope you're not reading
this in your car.

They're There

Attention Facebook Members: There is a difference between There, Their and They're and To, Two and Too. As a bonus, there is no such word as noone (it's no one). Lastly, and this has nothing to do with spelling or grammar, I don't believe that you are constantly laughing out loud.

Riddle Me This

I'm trying to reconcile the concept of one's being predictably unpredictable.

What Are You Looking At?

Rubberneckers, why can't you see whatever the hell you're trying to see at 55 miles per hour?

We Ain't Got Nothin' On King Kong

Gorilla Facts: Each family group lives within a fairly small area. However, groups that occupy the same area coexist peacefully. They have very strong social bonds partly because of the closeness of social grooming. The gorilla's very easy-going nature has made it possible for humans to mingle with wild family groups, despite the fact that gorillas know that mankind has slaughtered their family members.

How amazing is that? So, I ask you, what would mankind be like if we were more like our simian cousins? What if we could co-exist peacefully? What if we did our own version of social closeness, like hugging each other more frequently, or smiling at each other? You know, the way infants smile at everyone they see for no particular reason. What if we forgave each other the way gorillas have forgiven us? Hmm.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

The little grin that just appeared on my face while you were talking indicates the moment I decided that you are an idiot. 

Can I Get A What?

I hear what you're saying, but I'm probably hearing it differently than the way you might think. That's why I'm grinning.

The Machinist Was a Little Disappointing

Eqilibrium is highly overrated. I mean the state, not the film. The
film was vastly underrated. What can I say, Chocolate Yoda is secure
enough in his Jedi-hood to admit he likes Christian Bale films.

Logic

Where there’s a will, there’s an inheritance.

No, Thank You

I love dogs, but don't let them lick my face because my face is not the only
object of their attention.
 

One Man Band

Glockenspiel. That's a funny word, isn't it?  

You're Fired - Uh, Maybe

The IRS is funded in part by my tax dollars. As such, all individuals
that work there work for me. What a feeling.

What's In A Name

Just the other day, someone called me Yoda. Hey, it's Chocolate Yoda.
Do I look like that little green freak?

Only 441 Shopping Days 'Til Christmas 2010

 Gift cards are better than gifts. I’m just saying.

Oh, What a Feeling

Being loved is great. Loving someone is greatness.

Tommy, Can You Hear Me?

Cell phones are not like two cans tied to a string. You can just speak
normally when you use them. You can even whisper. Go ahead, try it.
Please.

The Horse Before The Cart

It's not "Happy Belated Birthday". It's "Belated Happy Birthday". The
birthday wasn't late, the greeting was.

Admit It

I spend a lot of time on pathetic attempts to bolster my self-esteem.
Not as much as you do, but still, a lot.

Life Is A Mystery

It's not always what it seems, and you might never find out what it really is. That's why I'm such a big fan of napping.

Gratitude

My 10 minute shower this morning used approximately 20 of the roughly 176 gallons of water I will use and consume today. An entire African family uses about 5 gallons of water per day for everything they need to do.

I Beg To Differ

"Tiny bubbles in the wine make me feel happy, make me feel fine." Actually, Don, it's the alcohol.

Let That Be A Lesson To You

Being a 900 year old chocolate Jedi master has afforded me perspective on a great many things. As such, I can tell you with 100% certainty that you should never use fabric softener on towels.

Play That Funky Music

I'm always ready to rock and roll, but sometimes I have to play a ballad.

The Name Game

If you have to put the word principled before the name of your organization, what does that really say about your organization and you?

Homophone Home

I must admit to always having been a bit of a grammar snob. Is that sew wrong? Sorry, I was distracted by a loose thread. What was I saying?

This or That

For the last time people, it's not a Goatee, it's a Van Dyke.

The Memory Of Days To Come

One day, this will all be something that happened long ago. Savor the moment.

Meet You To Happy

I was feeling a little confused recently and stumbled upon an interesting idea. Music is laughter to my ears. Discuss.

Big Fella

Sometimes, in moments of doubt and anxiety, I ask myself, 'What would Joe Pesci do?' As a result, I'm heading back from upstate New York with a dirty shovel and an empty bag of lime.

Over/Under

Notice how no one ever says they're whelmed. Overwhelmed, of course. Underwhelmed (which technically is not really a word, but people say it anyway), sometimes. But, never just whelmed. Hmm.

Do You Feel Like I Do?

Our brains process 400 billion bits of information per second. We only notice 2,000. What is reality? 

 

Strong To The Finish

I was 30 years old before I realized that Popeye was named as such because he always had one eye closed. So embarrassing. 

 

Protest Too Much

The next time you call in sick for work, say it's because of existential angst. Who could argue with that?

The Catch

You know those service guarantees that promise to help you 7 days a week--365 days a year? What happens on Leap Year when there are 366 days? I'll tell you what--they screw you, that's what. That's how they get you. F*cking Leap Year.

A Little Nervous

If you've ever had an x-ray, you know that the technician always puts on a protective shield then stays far away from you and the deadly apparatus. That's how you know it's dangerous to get an x-ray. I feel the same way when a photographer tells me he "hates" to get his photograph taken.

We Don't Need No Stinking Dictionary

Irregular means not regular. Irresponsible means not responsible. Irrational means not rational. Yet, the word irregardless means regardless. How can anyone trust whatever else is in the dictionary?