One Day More

I know that today is the big gluttony fest. Of more importance is the fact that November, 25 2010 will never come again. Make the most of it.

People Are Strange

Greedy CEOs will steel pension funds, bankrupt families and destroy the environment, but you can't get a job if you post a photo on Facebook of yourself drunk at a party?

Boys of Summer

How can a society claim superiority when chief amongst its main concerns is whether boys are kissing other boys?

Here And Now

When you tell me that you're doing the dumb thing you're doing out of habit, what I hear is that you're not present for or conscious of your behavior.

The Long And Winding Road

I have a always sought the path of least resistance. It has always lead to the most disappointments.

Confusion

if ur reading this and dont c anything wrong your functionally illiterate.

Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

Recently, I heard someone say that someone else had been shot and that he was full of holes. Isn't that an oxymoron?

Yakety Yak

I don't judge you because you speak Klingon. I judge you because you thought it was a good idea to tell me that.

Under My Thumb

The thumb is never referred to as a finger. Index finger, middle finger, ring finger, pinky finger, thumb. Suddenly, when people are counting, they say "10 fingers, 10 toes." Seems a bit unfair.

Hungry Like The Wolf

The world is an aphid and I am a ladybug. That sounded more menacing in my head.

The Choice Is Yours

If they hate us for our freedom, why do they bomb each other? If we hate them for their fanaticism, why do we send people there to die?

The Truth

Anger, like wine, loosens the tongue. It may be true that you didn't mean to say it, but you certainly meant what you said.

Crazy On You

Crazy is a relative term. All of my relatives are crazy. (Rim shot!)

Freaks Come Out At Night

Broadcast television has become the bastion of the lowest common denominator. I despise it and avoid it like the plague.

Can You Feel It?

If you can't be with the one you love, think about becoming a better person.

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights

Very often, time is spoken of like it's money--as in 'spending time'. The difference is that you can make more money, but you can't make more time.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Apparently, you can't compliment a woman's breasts.

Come Again?

There is a world of difference between the penetrator and the penetrated. I'm referring of course to World Cup soccer. What did you think I meant?

You Spin Me Round

I'm not sure what's worse, doing a thing and getting caught, or not doing a thing and being accused of it.

Shower The People

Some folks don't know the house is on fire until it burns to the ground. Be good to the people you love before they decide to go away forever.

Show And Tell

It is true that you can know a man by his deeds. It is also true that we rarely know all the deeds of a man.

Could It Be Magic?

Microwave Alert: No gun powder. No fuse. No matches. Somehow, I still witnessed an oatmeal explosion. It's not as funny as it sounds.

A Manner of Speaking

Being fearless is easy. Being brave is not.

Discretion...

... is the better part of velour.

Beware

Fact: The dragonfly has not changed over the last 300 million years. Is anyone else as terrified by this as I am?

Every Breath You Take

Always remember, even the most romantic stalker is still a stalker.

I Don't Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

What is juice drink? Is it like cheese food? If it is, I still don't know what juice drink is.

Syntax

The next time you're feeling an undeniable urge towards murder/suicide, take my advice and start with yourself. If you still feel like killing someone when you're done, have at it.

Some People Call Me The Space Cowboy

There's nothing like a 20 minute drum solo to remind you that you once did enough drugs to think that a 20 minute drum solo was a good idea.

Retro Racist

You know what's funny? A dude that hurls a racial epithet at you 30 years ago in high school when he thought you weren’t around to hear it, then finds you on Facebook and requests a connection while referring to you as "old friend". I know I'm a 900 year old chocolate Jedi master, but even I have my limits. Good times.

Take The World In A Love Embrace

It used to be "Born To Be Wild". Now, it's "What Kind of Herbal Tea Do You Have?" Rock on.

Tell Me What You Say

Elevators and escalators suffer from poor naming. Elevators don't always elevate and escalators don't always escalate. Vertical transport and diagonal transport respectively are more appropriate. I know those names aren't sexy, but they are more accurate. Some day soon, I'll address the danger of homophones.

Easy Pickins

I don't know why anyone was so impressed when David killed Goliath. The dreaded Philistine had a shield and wore armor, but just stood there as David put the rock in the sling, swung it around and hurled it at him. Wouldn't you put the shield in front of you, or duck, or... something? Pitiful.

Foolish Pride

You had nothing to do with the country you were born in. You had nothing to do with the city you were born in. You had nothing to do with the race you were born of. Why exactly are you so proud of your country, city and heritage?

Perspective

Instead of the weather report saying partly cloudy, why don't they say mostly sunny?

Incongruity

Examining myself in the mirror, I came to the following conclusions: My bottom half looks like an International Male underwear ad. My top half looks like a bad day at China Grill. Anyone know how to get these two halves to play nice and reach a reasonable settlement?

This Is The End

Snuggies. They may seem like a good idea. They are not. They may seem harmless and cute. They are neither. They may seem like an indication that the seventh seal has broken. They are. They really are.

Fingers Crossed

Just because one is forthcoming doesn't mean one is honest.

Sure You Will

Those car insurance commercials that promise that repairs are covered as long as you own the car: Do they think you plan to get repairs when you don't own the car anymore?

Check Please

If you're reading something on Facebook that you don't understand, it means you're already online. Instead of asking the poster to clarify or define, do a search yourself--online. It will take about 15 seconds, and help you save face. Seriously.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again For The First Time

I have to admit, I'm always confused by time warp films. Don't bother trying to explain it. It'll just make my head hurt.

She Loves You YEA/YEAH/YAY

YEA/YEAH/YAY = Yes (old fashioned), Yes (modern) and Exclamation (as in, Hurray!). Carry on.