Admit It

I spend a lot of time on pathetic attempts to bolster my self-esteem.
Not as much as you do, but still, a lot.

Life Is A Mystery

It's not always what it seems, and you might never find out what it really is. That's why I'm such a big fan of napping.

Gratitude

My 10 minute shower this morning used approximately 20 of the roughly 176 gallons of water I will use and consume today. An entire African family uses about 5 gallons of water per day for everything they need to do.

I Beg To Differ

"Tiny bubbles in the wine make me feel happy, make me feel fine." Actually, Don, it's the alcohol.

Let That Be A Lesson To You

Being a 900 year old chocolate Jedi master has afforded me perspective on a great many things. As such, I can tell you with 100% certainty that you should never use fabric softener on towels.

Play That Funky Music

I'm always ready to rock and roll, but sometimes I have to play a ballad.

The Name Game

If you have to put the word principled before the name of your organization, what does that really say about your organization and you?

Homophone Home

I must admit to always having been a bit of a grammar snob. Is that sew wrong? Sorry, I was distracted by a loose thread. What was I saying?

This or That

For the last time people, it's not a Goatee, it's a Van Dyke.

The Memory Of Days To Come

One day, this will all be something that happened long ago. Savor the moment.

Meet You To Happy

I was feeling a little confused recently and stumbled upon an interesting idea. Music is laughter to my ears. Discuss.

Big Fella

Sometimes, in moments of doubt and anxiety, I ask myself, 'What would Joe Pesci do?' As a result, I'm heading back from upstate New York with a dirty shovel and an empty bag of lime.

Over/Under

Notice how no one ever says they're whelmed. Overwhelmed, of course. Underwhelmed (which technically is not really a word, but people say it anyway), sometimes. But, never just whelmed. Hmm.

Do You Feel Like I Do?

Our brains process 400 billion bits of information per second. We only notice 2,000. What is reality? 

 

Strong To The Finish

I was 30 years old before I realized that Popeye was named as such because he always had one eye closed. So embarrassing. 

 

Protest Too Much

The next time you call in sick for work, say it's because of existential angst. Who could argue with that?

The Catch

You know those service guarantees that promise to help you 7 days a week--365 days a year? What happens on Leap Year when there are 366 days? I'll tell you what--they screw you, that's what. That's how they get you. F*cking Leap Year.

A Little Nervous

If you've ever had an x-ray, you know that the technician always puts on a protective shield then stays far away from you and the deadly apparatus. That's how you know it's dangerous to get an x-ray. I feel the same way when a photographer tells me he "hates" to get his photograph taken.

We Don't Need No Stinking Dictionary

Irregular means not regular. Irresponsible means not responsible. Irrational means not rational. Yet, the word irregardless means regardless. How can anyone trust whatever else is in the dictionary?