What'd I Say?

I know that when I'm talking, you're not listening. You're too busy thinking of the next thing you want to say to me.

Let The Sun Shine In

We are limitless beings. Whatever limits you feel, cast them aside. They are of your own making.

Feed The World

Visualize world peas.

This is the End

*** SPOILER ALERT *** EVERYONE DIES IN THE END.

Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime

When asked why it had been so hot in the northeast these past few months, the normally reserved Chocolate Yoda stated emphatically, "Because it's f**king summer, you a**hole!"

What Goes Up, Must Come Down

Have you ever tried to pick yourself up by your bootstraps? I think it's literally impossible.

That Smell

I'm sure I laughed when I first farted into my diaper as an infant. I'm sure I'll laugh the next time I fart into my diaper as a geriatric.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Why do mistresses want to be wives? Don't they know what's in store for them?

Talk To Ya Later

When someone answers the phone and upon hearing it's you immediately says he's in a meeting, isn't he indirectly telling you that he would have spoken to you had you been more important?

Don't Answer Me

Feel free to pass this on to your children. If there's something you wouldn't say in front of your grandparents, don't say it in front of someone else's grandparents.

Blinded Me With Science

Stop saying you experimented with drugs. There were no beakers, test tubes or controls. You were shoving drugs in your face and getting high.

Understand

The next time you find yourself in disagreement, start all of your responses with, "I understand what you're saying. You make a valid point." See if that doesn't feel better and move things along a little more smoothly.

That's What Friends Are For

Two friends should always pay attention to each other. One of you will have to speak at the other one's funeral.

Papa Oom Mow Mow

One of the things I love about children is that while they are in the process of learning how to speak, for a short time they teach you how to understand their language.

Deja Vu All Over Again

"Crack wide open" is an oxymoron. You heard it here first.

Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

Don't fall for the spontaneous sex trap. Just think about your partner's face after that last "surprise".

She's A Beauty

Why do we reward beauty? It isn't an accomplishment.

Life, Life

Life is a fatal disease. The only prescription is living.

Kiss Today Goodbye

I never minded being a fool for love. However, a fool for lust is just tragically embarrassing.

The Humpty Dance

Recently, I was explaining to a woman that as sexy as I am with my clothes on, I'm much sexier naked. She doubted my claim and implored me to prove it. I complied immediately. Though she was satisfied that my claim was true, she was a little shocked at my behavior. So were some of the other people at the post office. Moral of the story: If you don't want to see a 900 year old chocolate Jedi master naked at the post office, don't ask him to take his clothes off at the post office.

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?

I think it's hypocritical to unflinchingly allow pets to publicly urinate and defecate, but I get yelled at when I do it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again--I am willing be brings my own plastic bags. Come on, people.

Those Were The Days

I've watched a lot of nature shows and noticed something I think is interesting. When a young lion decides to take on an old lion for leadership of the pride, the young lion never goes it alone. He always gets a bunch of other young lions to go with him to fight the old lion. I say go ahead young man. Go get your friends. I'll be right here waiting.

Brass In Pocket

Do you think you're earning what you're worth? If not, is the value of the work you're doing worth what you think you should earn?

Oh, No, There Goes Tokyo

They were not screaming "Godzirra" as we like to say. They were screaming "Gojira". That is Godzilla's real name from the 1954 original Japanese film. You're welcome.

I Can See Clearly Now

I have never heard anyone say, "I remember your name, but don't recognize the face."

Go, Speed Racer, Go

One thing that would be very helpful to teach during driver's education is the space/time continuum. That way, people wouldn't start obnoxiously honking their horns the instant the light turned green.

Book of Love

What are you writing in the book of your life today?

Everybody's Working For The Weekend

I don't think of Friday as the end of my week so much as the beginning of my public drunkenness.

At This Moment

I love that I live in a time where the following conversation can be overheard: "No, not that 'F##k You' song, the other 'F##k You' song."

Running Down A Dream

Unicorns and common sense both sound great, but are never seen in the natural world.